September 05, 2005

Dear Miss Mimi

Miss Mimi is a world-renowned advice columnist, and has agreed to do a special column for BlogMeister USA. Here, she gives spot-on advice to those who are worried that they're next on the hit list of the vast right-wing conspiracy. Dear Miss Mimi,

I'm writing on behalf of myself and a colleague. I am the governor of a Southern state and he's the mayor of one of its biggest and most well-known cities. Just last week, a terrible hurricane ripped through our state. While many in the area were affected, his city flooded terribly because it's eight feet below sea level in some places, and situated right between the Mississippi River and a large lake.

Many people were caught unawares, including us, because five-to-seven days' warning just isn't enough time. Some people are actually trying to blame us for much of the chaos that's happening now, when it's clear that it's the President's fault. First he tried to convince me to give mandatory evacuation orders, and then he had the gall to offer for the federal government to take over evacuation efforts for my state. Did you ever? I mean, it's my state, and I should be able to make that kind of decision. Then, after the storm passed, he tried to make things all better by declaring a state of emergency--oh wait, he did that before the hurricane.

Well anyway, the reason help has been so slow in coming is because we're both Democrats and the President is a Republican. We also think there's a connection between him being white and many of the residents of our stricken city being black. Then there's the fact that he made budget cuts that affected the ability of the Army Corps of Engineers to keep the levees from breaking. Not to mention, if he had signed the Kyoto treaty, the hurricane would have never happened in the first place!

Could you let us know how we should deal with this situation? We don't like being blamed for something when it's clearly someone else's fault, and we're worried about how this will affect us in the polls.

Sink or Swim

Dear Sink or Swim,

I truly feel for your plight. First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that so many people are suffering because of the hurricane. It's amazing what terrible things nature can dish out. Of course, hurricanes have been around since well before our global warming concerns, but that doesn't help you with your problem.

While it's true you ignored the President's suggestion of mandatory evacuation and federal handling of such a situation, who can blame you? I know I wouldn't want "big brother" coming in and telling me what to do in my state. And the cutting of funds to the Army Corps of Engineers is serious indeed. Bill Clinton did something similar while he was in office, but since he's not in office now, he can't be held accountable.

Fear not, however. All of these details are meaningless because of one key detail: the mainstream media thinks it's all the President's fault too, and therefore will do all they can to make sure that this is the message that gets out. You have the biggest PR machine working overtime for you, asking questions like, "Why didn't he sign the Kyoto treaty?" and "Why doesn't he care about the little people?" All you have to do is smile for the camera and grumble about the President giving you the shaft, and the press will do the rest.

Thank you for writing. Keep on smiling.

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