Speaking of Hollywood - I saw a clip of Ted Danson after testifying in front of Congress about off-shore drilling! What? Ted's now an expert on off-shore drilling? Anyway, he was railing about our use of fossil fuels and how it harms the oceans and again he predicted the end of the world if we don't stop NOW. I say let's figure out what the entertainment industries carbon footprint is and shut it down since they actually don't produce anything - just make believe stuff. Then Ted can go gat a real job!
posted by NewtownMark at February 13, 2009 01:59 PM
For the first time since 1981, all living presidents are meeting at the White House - including the President-elect. Doug Powers has a partial transcript of the goings-on:
W. Bush: Welcome back to the White House fellas.
Bush 41: Thanks, son. I know you’re busy in these last few days so thanks for having us.
Clinton: I’m the one who arranged all this!
Bush 41: My son arranged this!
Carter: Have a seat guys… we can work this out. Let’s just say that Bill organized half, and W. organized half…
Bush 41: Because they didn’t each organize half!
W. Bush: Yeah, stop being so negotiatory, Jimmy. Save it for Hamas.
Obama's really into this whole "reincarnation" of FDR thing. According to the New York Times (which just had to take out a kind of "home equity loan" on its brand spanking new 8th Avenue building just to stay solvent), The One has promised "to create the largest public works construction program since the inception of the interstate highway system a half century ago as he seeks to put together a plan to resuscitate the reeling economy."
Blogmeister USA has discovered what at least one of those projects will be. Click to see below the fold...
Glorious, isn't it? Actually, the above picture is just an example. The project itself will more closely resemble the ginormous statue to himself that Bender created via slave labor in Futuramaepiosode 49: A Pharaoh to Remember.
Are you one of those smellly, stinky tourists who offends Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid when you dare to enter the Capitol building during the hot, humid Washington D.C. summers?
You probably remember the fable about the ant and the grasshopper. The ant worked hard and saved and had food for winter while the grasshopper was lazy and had nothing for winter.
The story has changed. The grasshopper went to Obama and said he had nothing. So, Obama went to the ant and took away half his savings in order to spread the wealth around the forest.
The next year the ant did not work and everyone starved to death.
Once upon a time, on a farm in Virginia , there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.
She called all of her Democrat neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Not I," said the pig.
"Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain.
"Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck.
"Out of my classification," said the pig.
"I'd lose my seniority," said the cow.
"I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did.
At last it came time to bake the bread.
"Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow.
"I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck.
"I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig.
"If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen.
She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves myself."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. (Nancy Pelosi)
"Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. (Barbara Boxer)
"I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. (Jesse Jackson)
The pig just grunted in disdain. (Ted Kennedy)
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then the farmer (Obama) came. He said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said Barack the farmer. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive
workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand the Democrat System."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread for free.
And all the Democrats smiled. "Fairness" had been established.
Individual initiative had died, but nobody noticed; perhaps no one really cared...so long as there was free bread that "the rich" were paying for.
EPILOGUE
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.
Hillary got $8 million for hers.
That's $20 million for the memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
IS THIS A GREAT BARNYARD OR WHAT? Remember to vote often and vote correctly.
I saw this ad on TV, and I laughed. I went to find it online and I learned that it offended homosexuals. I still don't understand why.
I don't know about anyone else, but I have never heard of gays being stereotyped as poorly dressed, speed-walkers. Someone out there - presumably in the gay community - has volunteered to take on this stereotype, and immediately become offended by it.
WHERE IGNORANCE IS BLISS IT IS FOLLY TO BE WISE. HOW COME AMERICA HAVE SO MUCH STUPID PEOPLE? READING THESE BLOGS REALLY MAKES AMERICANS LOOK LIKE ASS HOLES.
Have you been to the grocery stores lately? The economy is in a mess and it is not Obama fault.
Stop the hogwash, changes is coming to America, despite who will be elected. Why do you whites fear a black man so much?
After eight years of the so-called Christian in the White House and the Right-Wing Religionists bringing discrace to the name of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, it is wonderful to see that God has raised up a genuine Christian to be our next President. God Bless our next President Barack Obama, in Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
Hey Shut up. Why is it so important to bring up the fact fact that obama is a black man? As far as I have seen, there is nothing "Black" about this guy. What I care about, is how effective anyone who runs for the most pwerful position in the world would be. So far, this man has said, nor done anything that convinces me that he is the right man for the job. The only thing he brings to the table is the idea of change. Yeah, he's going to change things alright...My packetbook for the worst.
What a mockery to our Lord's prayer. May the woman on the left that looks like a pig with a wig wearing glasses suffer for this...
Anyway, McCain is an old man that might just "go to heaven" with a heart attack anytime...
posted by Yo man at July 27, 2008 10:24 AM
How crude of you, to create this mocking prayer.
You expose your own lack of good breeding thereby.
Did McCain visit the Wailing Wall and leave a prayer asking for God's guidance and help? How much do they pay you to write this kind of drivel?
"Lord — Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will"
posted by Larry at July 27, 2008 04:17 PM
What we need is a president that will restore a Republic. Ever since the Nortwest Ordinance we have been on a path to Empire building. As long as we keep this path, we will be loved, hated and attacked as all Empires have been. The presumtive nominees do not matter, the two party system is bought and paid for by Global influences that span the world. This country is no longer ours, its all an illusion.
You are one sick puppy to desegrate a prayer that is recited around the world. Shame on you. Quit spewing your hatred on the internet and go back and finish your 6th grade education.
Agree with INDIANA GAL. YOU ARE SOME SICK PUPPY,
TO MOCK SOMEBODY'S PRIVATE PRAYER .
GOD HELP FRoM ALL YOU RIGHT WING CHRISTIANS WHO HAVEN'T A CLUE WHAT COMPASSION IS.
I can't understand how either Catholics or Jews support this shite!!
M O Halloran Dublin , Ireland
posted by M 0' Halloran at July 28, 2008 12:48 AM
Bill O is Jesus. If you don't believe me just watch Fox.
John Mc Cain is just not cutting it. He is coming across as a grumpy old whining man. He doesn't put any positive ideas forward; just finds fault with Barack Obama.I'm 76 myself and I resent the image John is creating about old men.I became extremely rankled when he threw his 86 year old mother under the bus by putting her on display to convey the message she was so alert at 86 that this would make him appear better. Shame on you John.You'll have trouble in the white house locating all the rooms and when you find the one you want you will ask yourself what did you come in there for.
It took me a while to admit I had to play my golf game from the forward tees but age hangs heavy around your neck.Give it up old man and join me for some bass fishing in Florida.
It is ironic how those most upset by this post claim to be so because they find it cruel yet you find it okay to make rude and obnoxious comments about the writer of it. Instead of opening debate in a logical manner, you resort to name calling and snide remarks. It is called SATIRE. Grow up!
Why They Had the Largest Re-Up of Troops in Our Country
Remember how 1,215 troops re-enlisted in the Army on the Fourth of July in the hall of one of Saddam's palaces? Ever wonder what inspired them? The answer is below the fold...
(And before those of you who feel that you're being asked to "compromise" by voting for McCain get your knickers in a twist, lighten up! This picture falls along the lines of what's called humor.)
Those damn knickers are always getting twisted up!!
posted by THIRDWAVEDAVE at February 27, 2008 09:57 AM
I've had it with the GOP. They've run away from the conservative base. I wrote my own party platform as a protest. Parts 1 & 2 are already posted, with Part 3 to go up Friday.
http://constitutionalcrawfish.blogtownhall.com
posted by The Crawfish at February 28, 2008 01:42 PM
It's an exclusive over at Support Your Local Gunfighter. Wyatt has the interview no one else got, not even Baba Wawa or Larry King.
My generous-ness also knows no bounds when it comes to being a father. Look at me while I buy, er, adopt, another less fortunate child. And everyone knows that less fortunate children are the best kind. We could have adopted an American kid, but it's fashionable to adopt one from one of those loser countries. Brad Pitt is nothing if not fashionable. I mean, look at this Jeff cap: it cost $5,000!
We all need a bit of funny to get us going once in a while. Here are a couple of items to start your Wednesday off. First, a joke (thanks to Nightrider for reminding me of it):
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan . One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.
The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an ass. So, He sent me."
***
And now, a gift for that special someone who seems to have everything:
Love her or hate... you'll have nonstop fun cracking nuts with Hillary. Regardless of your affiliation (Republican or Democrat) you've just found your new favorite kitchen tool!
Work those thighs back into the White House. This might be the reason why Bill never strayed too far. Quite possibly THE toy of the 2008 election -- A must for anyone on any side of politics! Her stainless steel thigh teeth will pulverize any nut that stands in her way to the White House.
Not recommended for people without a sense of humor, Bill, or children under 12 years of age.
It's a little dated (the second item is the clue). It still rings true, though. Enjoy! (Sent to me by my dad.)
***
THREE THINGS TO PONDER
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
Cows:
Isn't it simply amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
The Constitution:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
The Ten Commandments:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shall Not Steal, "Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
The funniest thing I heard on Rush last week was a satire by Paul Shanklin about Hillary not being smart enough to be President. Then, the bumper music was "Stupid Girl" by garbage.
"The only way Gore can get thousands of college kids to pay attention to him is to get a bunch of entertainers and bands to put on a concert together. Gore is literally the dorky kid in the neighborhood that people hang out with only because his house has a pool." ~ Lisa De Pasquale
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy, she decides to make sport of him.
"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."
The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, ma'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. "How about Iraq?"
"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know sh*t?"
Joan Baez has beautiful voice that makes people feel good. HELLO?
Especially these young kids who have come from this traumatic place. The Army should have let the veteran audience DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES if they like or dislike her music. Duh.
A friend of mine sent this to me, and it was too good not to share with those of you who might not have seen it yet. It's often attributed to State Rep. Mitchell Kaye of Georgia, but according to Snopes.com, was penned in 1993 by Lewis Napper. Whoever wrote it, it's great. Enjoy!
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
If you agree, share this with a friend. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you if you don't. I just think it's about time common sense is allowed to flourish. Sensible people of the United States speak out because if you do not, who will?
Considering John Edwards' penchant for visiting pricey spas and spending $400 a pop to get his silky locks lopped, Jeff Dobbs at American Thinker has rewritten Edwards' speech for the DNC Winter Meeting.
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Your cartoon raises a good point: when does labelling 'vast right wing conspiracy' become an accusation of 'nazism?' That's the Hillary intent you expose.
This is my first attempt at a political cartoon. I have so many ideas, but I am not a great artist, as you can see. (I also apologize for the not-so-great scanning job I did.) Let me know what you think!
Look at Al Gore's profile carefully, then see if you don't agree that he looks like the celebrity behind Door Number One! (Thanks to Jeanette for the inspiration!)
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posted by Van Helsing at January 24, 2007 06:55 PM
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Usually, SNL skits lean heavily to the left when politics are involved, but last night's opening skit was one I never thought SNL would air (h/t Newsbusters).
It features Chris Matthews of MSNBC's Hardball interviewing Hillary Clinton in the wake of her announcement that she's running for president. "Matthews" needs a bib to soak up the drool as he questions his idol, and "Hillary" is sufficiently uptight and snooty. The best bit is at the end, when "Hillary" freaks out at "Matthews" comment, "But, in fairness to Senator Obama, until today when you've been asked if you're running for president, you've always denied it."
Watch it for yourself. The audience laughs tentatively, as if they're not sure if it's okay to laugh at Hillary, a leftist icon. Is this a shot across the bow from Hillary's supporters, warning her if she doesn't toe the line she'll be distancing herself from her base?
Not sure if it's a shot across the bow, but it's a dead-on parody of Hillary, either way.
The forced, insincere maniacal laugh; the references to her claiming to be part-Jewish when she first ran in New York; the wanting to know the questions in advance, a la her appearance on Letterman; her rep for swearing like a tainted witness when challenged, etc, etc...
SNL -- and we -- have her dead to rights, and let her know it.
posted by Tuning Spork at January 23, 2007 10:00 PM
There's a spooky resemblance between politician-turned-environmental expert/celebrity Al Gore and celebrity-turned-environmental/foreign policy expert Alec Baldwin.
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But in case you need any more proof, look at the photos below:
It's highly entertaining to read the comments that Town Hall readers post to various columnists' daily entries. Here's an amusing one that was posted to Ann Coulter's column today (entitled Airport Security Should Be Profiling Arabs):
troglodyte writes: Thursday, November, 30, 2006 3:23 AM
An end to profiling, please!
All profiling at airports would be unnecessary if we adopted a few simple measures:
1) All airlines must upgrade their upholstery to have pigskin trim, like on the arm rests and such.
2) The ink used to print airline tickets should contain a percentage of lard practicable for printing.
3) All lubricants in and around all airports, and on doors and seats in aircraft cabins should contain 10% lard with signs to this effect.
4) Airports should abandon those high tech hand held explosive sniffers handled by imbeciles in favor of dogs and pigs. Yes, pigs! Very good sense of smell, smart and packed with Muslim repelling power!
5) Passengers will be issued a Chihuahua to hold on their lap during the flight.
6) For those allergic to dogs, a Vietnamese pot bellied pig will be offered as an alternative.
7) Pork rinds will replace peanuts for in-flight snacks.
8) Kosher meals and snack will be available to passengers showing proof of being Jewish.
9) Vegetarians…hmmm…Sorry,better luck next time.
I love it. I TOTALLY love it! Let's get right on it, okay?
posted by Gayle Miller at November 30, 2006 12:29 PM
Maybe each airplane could adopt a small, pot-bellied pig as a mascot to greet the passengers as they board (the pigs are cute when they are little). Then when the plane takes off, the piglet's cage could be put in one of the jump seats.
The passengers could be advised that there will be a small amount of squealing by the pig until it's ears "equalize". Maybe a little porcine squealing will remind the Muslim passengers that they don't want to die along with a pig.
Maybe they could play some old "Green Acres" reruns featuring Arnold.
Do Muslims have any problems with rabbits? Just curious.
posted by joe-6-pack at November 30, 2006 09:15 PM
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Agenda for the Democratic National Convention for 2008
This has been going around the Gorenet...I mean Internet. For those of you who haven't seen it, I thought you might enjoy a Friday funny!
7:00 P.M. Opening flag burning. 7:15 P.M. Pledge of allegiance to UN. 7:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:30 - 8:00 P.M. Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton. 8:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:05 P.M. Ceremonial tree hugging. 8:15 - 8:30 P.M. Gay Wedding: Barney Frank presiding. 8:30 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:35 P.M. Free Saddam Rally: Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon. 9:00 P.M. Keynote speech: The proper etiquette for surrender? French President Jacques Chirac. 9:15 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 9:20 P.M. Collection to benefit Osama bin Ladin kidney transplant fund. 9:30 P.M. Unveiling of plan to free freedom fighters from Guantanamo Bay: Sean Penn. 9:40 P.M. Why I hate the Military: a short talk by William Jefferson Clinton. 9:45 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 9:50 P.M. Dan Rather presented Truth in Broadcasting award by Michael Moore. 9:55 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:00 P.M. How George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld brought down the World Trade Center Towers: Howard Dean. 10:30 P.M. Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. 11:00 P.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 11:05 P.M. Al Gore reinvents the Internet. 11:15 P.M. Our Troops are War Criminals: John Kerry. 11:30 P.M. Coronation Of Mrs. Rodham Clinton. 12:00 A.M. Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:05 A.M. Bill asks Ted to drive Hillary home.
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I’m killin’ for Allah
Whoa
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Whoa
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Whoa
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Hey! All right now
And it really feels good!
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We’ll bomb the world
We’ll kill your children
Unless you all convert to Islam now
No we’re not kiddin’
There’s a chance you’re takin’
If you don’t convert now
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For you not me!
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Kill the Jews (to the tune of Hold Me Now)
Kill the Jews
Kill them now
Spare not one
They must all die, they must all die…
Oh
Kill the Jews
Kill them all
Is-ra-el
Must not survive, must not survive…
This album is selling faster than a suicide bomber can blow himself up. To get your copy, send a check or money order for ریال150,100 and your firstborn son to:
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In doing my part to get the Republican base revved up for Tuesday, I did a song parody based on Michael Jackson's Thriller:
It's close to midnight
And something scary's just about to start
Behind the curtain
You see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream
But terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze
As horror looks you right between the eyes,
You're paralyzed
'Cause this is failure, failure night
And no one's gonna save you as old failure's about strike
You know it's failure, failure night
The Dems are fighting for life
Inside a major, failure tonight
You hear the polls close
And realize that there's nowhere left to run
You fake the old pose
And wonder if your majority'll see the sun
You close your eyes
And hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the GOP creepin' up behind
You're out of time
'Cause this is failure, failure night
And no one's gonna save you as old failure's about strike
You know it's failure, failure night
The Dems are fighting for life
Inside a major, failure tonight
You're gonna lose big
The voters know how much you guys have lied
Your grave you're gonna dig
Unless you get the voters on your side
Now is the time
For you to give the thing up altogether
All through the night
The exit polls are wrong again times three,
You have to see
Nancy Pelosi calls
And the Dems keep on playin' their masquerade
There's no escapin' the jaws of the electorate in time
(they're open wide)
Ain't it a crime
'Cause this is failure, failure night
And no one's gonna save you as old failure's about strike
You know it's failure, failure night
The Dems are fighting for life
Inside a major, failure tonight
(rap)
Darkness falls across the land
Poll closing hour is close at hand
Democrats crawl in search of blood
In John Kerry's ritzy neighborhood
And whosoever shall be found
No matter how great his renoun
Must stand and face the worst kind of hell
Telling Ned Lamont that he's just swell
The foulest stench is in the air
The failure of the last twelve years
And fed up voters from every room
Are closing in to seal your doom
And though you fight to stay relevant
Your party is dead in the water
For no mere Democrat is in touch
With the average American voter
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Are You a Republican, a Democrat, or a Southerner?
Take this quiz and find out! (stolen from Tammy Bruce)
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 calibre, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
Aw, come on! You expect us to believe any self-respectin' Southerner (I assume you include Texans in that group) would be caught with only enough extra shells for one reload? And why didn't the wife join in? Women's lib, and all. ;) If I had to wager, I'd say that at least a third of our Texas gals can easily outshoot their hubbies, especially when it comes to defending their cubs.
Great post, Pam! I might have to steal that one myself. :)
With radical Muslims doing what they can to spread Islam to all four corners of the earth, forcing every man, woman and child to either convert or die, I began to wonder what I could do to profit from this coming turn of events.
Who loves to shop? Women! What will women need when the Islamic conversion is complete (at least here in the Great Satan, aka America)? Burqas!
So here, for your shopping pleasure, is Burqas R Us. There are plenty of styles and fabrics to choose from, and burqas to acommodate every budget. (The downside of my opening this business is that once the world bows down to Shari'a law, I will not be able to run Burqas R Us myself, as I will no longer even be allowed out of my home without a male relative escorting me. Still, I figure Burqas R Us is a great public service.)
Perfect for formal occasions!
For young ladies who are not ready to wear black
What the fashionable woman wears when she is about to be stoned to death for adultery
You can wear this on days when a sandstorm is not in the forecast
We suggest you not wear this unless it's in the safe confines of your own home, lest you tempt men away from the true path with your wiles
Popular with twins and those who like those cute mother/daughter outfits
Chic yet casual, a popular "out on the town" burqa
Every woman who actively participates in jihad needs to be properly dressed!
This daring number is popular with women whose husbands take on more than one wife, so he can tell them apart more easily
The wedding burqa. Special storage options for saving it for your unworthy daughter's wedding are available.
Don't wear this one after Labor Day!
High-end formal burqa, popular with celebrities attending film premieres
A lady liberal wrote a lot of letters to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive insurgent (terrorist) being held in Guantanamo Bay.
She received back the following reply:
The White House
1600 Penn sylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant care-takers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually), since he views females as a sub-human form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.
Just remember that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" -- wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember, we'll be watching.
Jack Kennedy was wrong to say
"What can you do for us?"
Self-reliance is for suckers
Clearly not for us!
America, America,
Can't do enough for me!
The government is here to serve
And do it all for free!
I want it all, I want it now
Let taxpayers foot the bill.
Responsibility is only
For those on The Hill!
America, America,
Don't inconvenience me!
Solve all my private problems now
And do it immediately!
This ditty is dedicated to all those who feel the evacuation of vacationers in Lebanon this past week by our government didn't meet their lofty standards, and anyone else who believes in government doing for them what they should be doing for themselves.
I'm super busy today, so until I have time for something more substantial, here's a joke to brighten your Friday:
A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The
driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy," If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf ? " The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not ?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf ?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not ?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. government," says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows. Now give me back my dog!"
Ugh...it's a lovely Friday and I am stuck indoors. Work is deathly slow and I am bored out of my skull! In desperation, I begged someone for amusement and he sent me the following jokes. I liked them and thought I'd pass them on to you. Enjoy!
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack." "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter writes: "Arrogant Little Neo-Con Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Some campaign slogans for Hillary Clinton when she runs for president:
* Read My Lips - No New Interns! * Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife. * Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Move Back To Arkansas! * Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton? * Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You; Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign.
Pope John Paul II comes to visit George W. Bush in Washington D.C.. Bush takes him out on the Presidential Yacht, along with a few reporters, for a cruise along the Potomac River. A great gust of wind comes up and blows the Pope's hat off and it lands in the water. Bush says to the Pope, "Gee, I'm sorry about that. Allow me to retrieve your hat". To the stunned amazement of all on board the yacht, Bush climbs down off the yacht and walks across the water to retrieve the hat. The next day the New York Times front page headline reads: BUSH CAN'T SWIM!!
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." replied St. Peter "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man. "Kerry's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you have no idea where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I'm not a liberal Democrat,†she answers. “Then,†asks the teacher, “What are you?†“Why I'm a proud conservative Republican,†boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. “Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.†The teacher, now angry, loudly says, “That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?†She pauses, and lets out a smile. “Then,†Lucy says, “I'd be a liberal Democrat.â€
Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "Infidel, don't you know who I am? I need nothing from a lowly woman," barked bin Laden. The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he relented. "OK, OK, I want to wake up with three white, American women in my bed in the morning. I have plans for them." Giving the genie a cold glare, he growled, "Now, be gone!" The genie, annoyed, said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no health insurance.
After his death, Osama bin Laden went to Heaven. He was greeted by George Washington, who bitch-slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry ran up and punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end America's liberty, but you failed." James Madison appeared, kicked him in the crotch, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense." Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from James Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden said, "This was not what I was promised." The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
Saddam Hussein is killed by an Iraqi firing squad after his trial and goes straight to Hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Saddam thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was the CEO of Enron and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and resurfacing empty-handed over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Saddam said. "Don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Martha Stewart with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All she did was swing that hammer, over and over and over again. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Saddam. The devil opened a third door. In it Saddam saw Bill Clinton, naked, lying on the floor with his arms and hands behind his head, and his legs staked out in spread-eagle fashion. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she became famous for. Saddam looked at this in disbelief for a moment and stated "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said....."Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." — Jay Leno
10. The Three Little Earwigs.
9. Harry Potter and the Incurable Itch.
8. One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Drunk Fish.
7. Goodnight Moon, Hello Hangover!
6. Marvin K. Mooney, Will You Please Drop Dead?
5. Goldilocks and the Three Disgruntled Teamsters.
4. How the Grinch Stole Susie Lou Hoo’s Virginity.
3. Horton Hears a Blood-Curdling Scream.
2. The Little Engine That Could . . . With Help From Viagra.
And the number one least favorite children’s story is . . .
Friends of Gore (F.O.G.), an environmental study committee specializing in global warming, has come up with ironclad proof of the phenomenon that is the more threatening to the human race today than terrorism.
Click below to see the most important document you will ever lay your eyes on.
Five More Appealing Prizes Than Hanging Out With Chuck Schumer
I hear one of the prizes on this season's Apprentice is to get some face time with New York Senator Charles "The Chuckster" Schumer. In my mind, a trip to the dentist to have teeth pulled without anasthesia would be a better bet.
The Man at GOP in the City has a few more prizes that are worth more than hanging with the Chuckster. I think you'll agree that they are definitely better choices.
The DemoPrats have made a promise (that I'm sure they will keep) to eliminate Osama bin Laden. Here are some of the strategies they've come up with:
*They'll create giant pieces of flypaper and put them out in various places in the Middle East where bin Laden is thought to possibly be hiding out. Then, when bin Laden is out for his early morning constitutional, he'll stumble upon a piece of the paper and stick, unable to flee when U.N. "peacekeepers" come to take him away.
*Cindy Sheehan, who earlier this year met with Venezuelan president/dictator Hugo Chavez, has been recruited to have a similar hug-fest with bin Laden. The opportunity to meet with an ardent anti-war activist and big name Bush hater will surely draw bin Laden out of his cave.
*In exchange for his peaceful surrender, bin Laden has been promised a blog on the Huffington Post and his own show on Air America. It hasn't been decided who will be dumped, Al Franken or Janeane Garofalo.
*More special forces will be recruited to flush bin Laden out. However, to appease extreme left voters, they will be armed with Super Soakers and commanded by Ramsey Clarke and John Murtha.
Believe me, we'll have bin Laden in jail in no time! Take that, President Bush!
People are smarter than this to figure out that the dems are spouting their mouth because this is an election year. Like Hanney said today on his show, 'this is almost laughable. they had eight years to do all these things they are talking about and never did a thing.'
Say what you will about these ideas Democrats have proposed: they will be AT LEAST as successful as the ideas President Bush and company have had.
posted by paul at March 29, 2006 06:35 PM
I love how Reid and Pelosi used the nearly indentical phrases "tough but smart" and "strong but smart", respectively, about their "plan" to finally get Osama.
Am I the only one who sees that the Dems are now campaigning against the intelligence services, not just Bush?
"Sorry, CIA, but you've not been performing up to snuff and us Dems, winning back the congress, will make you improve on your obviously lazy, half-assed, incompetent efforts at finding Bin Ladin."
If I were a spook -- or even a beaurocrat a la Valerie Plame -- I'd advise the Dem leadership to keep a careful eye on that wallflower in the long black coat. Mwheh.
Because Paul, like the DemoPRATS, doesn't really have any ideas of his own. Rather than have a blog where he can expostulate to his heart's content, he goes to other blogs and criticizes the ideas put forth there. It's easier than thinking of something original.
Wrong again, another example of you assuming something to be true, without checking the facts out first. How often will you do this Pam?
The reason I come here to post is because NO ONE READS MY BLOG.
posted by paul at March 30, 2006 12:23 PM
I had no idea you had a blog. Know why? You don't provide a link when you leave a comment. More people would read it if you were to do that. What is the URL? I'd like to check it out.
If you really want to see it, it's not very interesting. More of an outlet when I get more disgusted than usual at something I read. You know, idiot this, moron that, etc.
It's moon dash bats dot blogspot dot com
posted by paul at March 31, 2006 04:38 AM
So the Democrats are gonna catch binLaden? Just like that? Wow! I wonder why the Bush administration never came up with that one! Yeah. Brilliant!
Some people say catching one man won't change anything. I disagree. It would show our enemies how far we're willing to go. And I would love to see the White House Oval Office photo: W seated at the desk, smiling over binLaden's severed head in a jar of formadehyde.
And just what will the Democrats do with Bin Laden? Tax him to death? Make him take Cynthia McKinney on a date? Just what will they do? If the way they punish sex offenders, drug pushers, or their own people who steal identies to get private financial information to discredit GOP candidates with makes me wonder what the donkeycrat would do if they ever got Bin Laden. Most likely they'll follow the lead of Bill Clinton, crap their pants, call for a Monica, and hope Bin Laden goes away.
My good friend Jeanette sent this to me, and I simply had to pass it on. All you thirty-somethings out there, enjoy!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning...uphill BOTH ways...through year 'round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs...to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill...where they worked for
35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid, we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!
There was no e-mail! You had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take a week to get there!
There were no MP3's, there was no Napster! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
And talk about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!
We didn't have fancy crap like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent...you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3D graphics! We had the Atari 2600, with games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked a**! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!
When we went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your a** and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little b*****ds!
And we didn't have microwaves. If you wanted to heat something up, you had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. Imagine that!
If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
Boy were you pampered! We didn't even have Atari! We had friggin' checkers, fer krysake. You had 15 channels of cable? We had a B&W Zenith! I thought rabbit ears were part of the decor in any home!
Painstaking research by Mr. Right has revealed what leftists have asserted all along: George W. Bush is the reincarnation of Hitler. Read about it here at In the Right Place.
over at The Right Place. I have only placed in one of the contests I've entered so far...but I keep on trying. Go over, see the great captions, and add yours to the mix.
As to the contest, just keep on trying, you never know when you will find something that will crack me up, which is, of course, the key. I try to be fair when I judge each contest, but some folks have a knack for making me laugh the most. I guess they are tuned in to my sense of humor. I have, however had people win that have only played one contest, they just captured lightning in a bottle and made me laugh the hardest, loudest and/or longest, which is all it takes!
The best advice I can give out is to play early (it gives you the best chance to hit some of the real good possible captions and be the first to capture a truly funny idea that others can then only copy or refine) and to enter multiple times in each contest (which you appear to have done this week). Even V the K, D. Carter, Rodney Dill, Son of the Godfather and a lot of the other top players fail to hit the mark many times, but because they put up 5 to 10 entries apiece (sometimes more), they have an excellent chance of striking gold in there somewhere! [Uh-oh! The secret is out!]
Also, many of them come back several times and post some more if they think of any new ideas as the week goes on.
Thanks again for participating and for linking and keep on going for the gold!
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs.
Several years ago a lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she
rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had
left to work with was the horses blond mane and a big ass. Now she's
the Senator from New York."
Even if you don't feel like entering (I did, despite the stiff competition), go check out some of the hilarious captions offered at The Right Place regarding a very scary picture of Dianne Feinstein.
UPDATE 1/21/06 12 pm: Out of the top 20, I made #12. Check out the results here!
As we begin a new year, here are 10 thoughts to keep your mind occupied:
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
"Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich."...and hope it distracts him from getting an erection. LOL!
I love how people are upset that the NSA is "tapping" their phones. Like they are really interested in what someone is cooking for dinner or who won the ballgame. Unless you're calling Afghanistan and mentioning the word "bomb," the NSA doesn't give a whit about what you do. Idiots.
posted by Wyatt Earp at December 29, 2005 01:01 AM
If a Liberal Democrat is mad in this country, you know someone did the right thing.
...in the latest GOP and the City caption contest. Click here to see my entry and the others in the top five. Finally, I'm a winner of something other than discount coins at the Big Y supermarket!
This is a new version of the old limerick "A Mouse in her Room Woke Miss Dowd", dedicated to the woman who thinks all men want is Mommy.
A man in her room woke Miss Dowd;
She was blissful and shouted out loud,
"I want Mommy!" he cried--
She dismissed him and sighed,
Then called the next one in the crowd.
A friend of mine sent this via e-mail, and I simply had to share it. You'll find yourself laughing while nodding in agreement to most (if not all) of them. Enjoy!
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt wit h "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so! safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I have stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in! a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"-
20. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
21. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
22. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
23. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
24. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
25. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
26. My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said). ;
27. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
28. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
29. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
30. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
31. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
32. Bumper sticker of the year: If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier."
Forget CPR and the ER...these simple home remedies will solve almost any ailment:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the little woman about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough..
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
ENDORSEMENTS
"Your stupid requirements for commenting, whatever they are, mean I'll not read you again." ~ "Duke Martin", Oraculations
"One of the worst sites I've read." ~ Frank A. Niedospial
'Cause this is failure, failure night
