Ugh...it's a lovely Friday and I am stuck indoors. Work is deathly slow and I am bored out of my skull! In desperation, I begged someone for amusement and he sent me the following jokes. I liked them and thought I'd pass them on to you. Enjoy!
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal." "But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again: "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack." "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter writes: "Arrogant Little Neo-Con Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
* Read My Lips - No New Interns! * Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife. * Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Move Back To Arkansas! * Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton? * Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You; Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign.
A: The puppy stops whining when it grows up.
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. Nine to deny that darkness exists, and one to hire a conservative to change it.
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Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it really gets screwed.
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Q: What's the difference between horsesh*t and a liberal?
A: The horsesh*t stops stinking after a while.
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Q:What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A:The prostitute give value for the money she takes.
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Q: Why do so many Liberals live in L.A.?
A: It’s the only city that is easy enough for them to spell.
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Q: What's the difference between an Islamic terrorist and a liberal?
A: The terrorists have fewer demands.
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Q: Why do we need the French on our side in our fight against terrorism?
A: So they can show them how to surrender.
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Pope John Paul II comes to visit George W. Bush in Washington D.C.. Bush takes him out on the Presidential Yacht, along with a few reporters, for a cruise along the Potomac River. A great gust of wind comes up and blows the Pope's hat off and it lands in the water. Bush says to the Pope, "Gee, I'm sorry about that. Allow me to retrieve your hat". To the stunned amazement of all on board the yacht, Bush climbs down off the yacht and walks across the water to retrieve the hat. The next day the New York Times front page headline reads: BUSH CAN'T SWIM!!
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." replied St. Peter "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man. "Kerry's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you have no idea where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's MY fault.
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A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands flew up into the air. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I'm not a liberal Democrat,” she answers. “Then,” asks the teacher, “What are you?” “Why I'm a proud conservative Republican,” boasts the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and her face slightly red, asked Lucy why she is a conservative Republican. “Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.” The teacher, now angry, loudly says, “That's no reason! What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” She pauses, and lets out a smile. “Then,” Lucy says, “I'd be a liberal Democrat.”
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Osama bin Laden found a bottle on the beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?" "Infidel, don't you know who I am? I need nothing from a lowly woman," barked bin Laden. The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience of it all, he relented. "OK, OK, I want to wake up with three white, American women in my bed in the morning. I have plans for them." Giving the genie a cold glare, he growled, "Now, be gone!" The genie, annoyed, said "So be it!" and disappeared back into the bottle. The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken and he had no health insurance.
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After his death, Osama bin Laden went to Heaven. He was greeted by George Washington, who bitch-slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry ran up and punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end America's liberty, but you failed." James Madison appeared, kicked him in the crotch, and said, "This is why I allowed the government to provide for the common defense." Bin Laden was subjected to similar beatings from James Randolph, James Monroe, Thomas Jefferson and 66 other early Americans. As he writhed in pain on the ground, an angel appeared. Bin Laden said, "This was not what I was promised." The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
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Saddam Hussein is killed by an Iraqi firing squad after his trial and goes straight to Hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Saddam thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was the CEO of Enron and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and resurfacing empty-handed over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" Saddam said. "Don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the next room. In it was Martha Stewart with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All she did was swing that hammer, over and over and over again. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Saddam. The devil opened a third door. In it Saddam saw Bill Clinton, naked, lying on the floor with his arms and hands behind his head, and his legs staked out in spread-eagle fashion. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she became famous for. Saddam looked at this in disbelief for a moment and stated "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said....."Okay, Monica, you're free to go."
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"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." — Jay Leno
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"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." — Jay Leno
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"Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?" — David Letterman
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"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." — Conan O'Brien
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