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April 23, 2007

Dem Candidates Vie to Snag Crow for Toilet Paper Czar

The top Democrat candidates for president were in a frenzy offering singer/global warming expert Sheryl Crow a place in their hypothetical administrations as toilet paper czar.

Following Crow's stunning suggestion that a "one sheet per visit" limit be set on citizens in the bathroom in order to save trees and help stop global warming, Barack Obama, Mrs. Bill Clinton and John Edwards were quick to lay claim to this incredible asset to their campaigns.

Barack Obama, the most clean and articulate candidate in the campaign thus far, stated his case the most eloquently:

Now, I could stand up here and give you all plenty of reasons why it's a good idea for this country to use less toilet paper. I could cite studies from scientists and experts and even our own State Department detailing the dangers of global warming - how it can destroy our coastal areas and generate more deadly storms. And I could talk forever about the economic consequences of toilet paper dependence - how it's decimating our septic tanks and costing us big bucks per flush.

But all we really need to know about the danger of our toilet paper addiction comes directly from the mouth of one woman: Sheryl Crow.

Mrs. Bill Clinton hoped her references to her own parenting experiences would strike a chord with Crow:

You know, I started caring about the environment, including the bathroom environment, before my daughter was born, but after the immaculate conception, I began to take it very personally and in our own ways, Bill and I tried to implement some wiping strategies, some roll rules, some potty regulations but it wasn't quite as difficult 25 years ago as it is today. And although I confess, I still wonder how my daughter's wiping as an adult, you know, those days of being involved in a direct and personal way are certainly over in my parenting experience. But I know with Sheryl on board, it will be more than a conversation. It will be a directive.

John "Two Americas" Edwards had this to say:

Our generation must be the one that says, "we must halt global warming." If we dont act now, it will be too late. Our generation must be the one that says "yes" to responsible wiping habits. Our generation must be the one that accepts responsibility for conserving natural resources and demands that everyone "use a hand" (or perhaps two). And our generation must be the one that supports "one square" per flush. It wont be easy, but it is time to ask the American people to be patriotic about something that depends upon a sacrifice from everyone. Sheryl Crow could be just the person to bring us all together.

Edwards declined to admit how many squares he used per bathroom visit, citing his right to privacy. After his speech, he was overheard asking who Ms. Crow's hairstylist was.

Crow, fresh off her Global Warming Awareness tour with fellow environmental expert Laurie David, was honored by all of the attention.

While the whole toilet paper thing was a joke, my commitment to the environment certainly isn't. In fact, maybe a toilet paper czar isn't such a bad idea. Seeing that at the age of 45, my career as a sexy singer is in a precarious position, I'd be foolish not to remain open to any and all options. Please contact my agent if you have any serious offers for me to consider.

As her private jet was waiting, Crow was unable to answer any questions.

Show Comments

Posted by Pam Meister at 05:46 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0) | Satire

Maybe we should follow the Muslim example and just use our left hands. Then we won't have to use any paper at all.

Posted by: Van Helsing at April 23, 2007 06:06 PM

"I haven't a square to spare."

Posted by: Kitty at April 23, 2007 06:08 PM

hehehehehe !

poopy heads for global swarming...

much fun Pam.

Posted by: hnav at April 24, 2007 02:48 PM

Dear Mr. Van Helsing, your pejudice is showing. Using one's left hand is not exclusively a muslim custom. It has been used by humans throughout history, especially before Cottonelle was invented. Jesus used his left hand.

Posted by: Dracula at May 25, 2007 02:08 AM

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